hello.
i am really curious to find out where this all takes me. and it seems that every time i start planning ahead, i meet dead ends within my heart. my mind teaches me dreams and my heart lingers in fear. in the middle, i try to find content.

and i think i might have found the way to find it. content i mean.. i realised that when you are not searching for something so hard, so desperately, it somehow finds its way to you. i have always applied this motto for love and relationships, and i guess somehow it applies to our futures as well. this might be a 'now' moment where i feel like this though because jealousy usually creeps into me when i compare myself with many others. haha really bad habit of mine. and i do get very fickle most of the time and change my precepts quickly... another bad habit of mine. haha. but apart from everything, i think when you aren't desperately trying to control your life (of course i don't mean idling, don't get me wrong!) and you begin to trust in God, the struggle kinda losens its grip on you.

easier said than done though. i am a workaholic by nature and i always swarm myself with thoughts that i am not accomplishing enough, not doing enough, not experiencing enough... and i freak out. i guess that was where i was on my birthday. i spent the day kinda quiet and 'reflective' (not emo okay) because deep down, i was having a mental breakdown. probably kinda disappointed in myself too cause i do feel that i wasted this year away trying to figure out what i am to do - and not taking seriously what that i was doing. in the struggle to grab all the cookies in the jar, i got only crumbs. and that made me mad.

twenty three dude. i was a noobish twit four years ago and wrecking my life with crazy things. life was a wavering wind and times were pretty unstable but it does have its charm. but then again, a life for charms isn't really a good bargain la.

truth is, i am clueless again and i am pretty much similar with where i was in the beginning of this year. but right now, i got a new mantra for myself: one step at a time shawn. right now, it is school.

school. shawn. tampines school.

:)